In about two hours, I'm leaving for a writer's retreat with my local RWA chapter. I have finagled my way into a room with three others by pointing out the following (completely true) reasons why I make an excellent roommate:
1. I am not a sparkly vampire. No worrying about becoming my midnight snack! No pesky glittery skin blinding your eyes when you pull back the drapes in the morning! No emo hairstyles!
2. I bring snacks. The good kind. Like Red Vines, cookies, and Chex Mix. And I SHARE.
3. I will always do something more embarrassing than you. Probably while you have your camera handy.
4. I know how to hide a body. This kind of specialized skill cannot be undervalued. You never realize how much you need it until some pretentious idiot steals your chocolate and implies you write like a hack.
5. I never steal chocolate. I don't really even like chocolate. I eat some now and then to seem polite, but honestly? It's all yours.
6. I am fabulous at self-defense. The fact that I'm more fabulous at accidental injury is neither here nor there. Besides, that only allows me plenty of opportunity to practice my awesomesauce self-defense skillz.
7. I can impersonate others. Not you, of course. Never you. But others. I'm like your very own party game, and you only have to toss me a lemon bar now and then to keep me happy.
8. I get ready fast in the morning. And I don't walk around naked. I don't really think I need to list the advantages of THAT.
9. I'm a writer. I have an over-developed imagination. If you suddenly start talking about flying pink unicorns and hot boys with swords whose tips have been dipped in the fountain of youth, I won't offer you Prozac. I'll play the What If game until a plot develops.
10. I won't feed you to zombies. I personally have nothing against zombies, but as a matter of respect for your roommate status, should a horde of brain-eating decaying shufflers descend upon us, I will throw the occupants of the other rooms to them as an appetizer while we make our getaway.
11. I earned my driving chops on the freeways of Los Angeles. Should the situation arise where we need to make a fast getaway, just call me Danica Patrick and get in the car.