10 Things I Need According to Google

I just performed a quick Google experiment by doing a search for "C.J. needs." Here are the top ten results:

1. C.J. needs a laxative: If I was the C.J. in question on this post, I'd be handing out certain consequences and repercussions to the person in my life who thought my internal plumbing emergency worthy of a blog post.

2. C.J. needs to become the region's highest appellate court: Um. *looks around* I thought I already was.

3. C.J. needs a hip replacement: I'd feel sorry for this C.J. if I wasn't sort of jealous. I'd rather need a hip replacement than worry I might need a lobotomy instead. (Have you read how many times I've hit my head in the last few years?! Oy.)

4. C.J. needs a vacation: Preach it, sister.

5. C.J. needs numbers: Hm. 12. 3894. 9495793857892020. There you go. Glad to help.

6. C.J. needs to go: Perhaps this C.J. should hook up with C.J. #1.

7. C.J. needs to have a Dairy Queen: A whole Dairy Queen? Really? Cause I'd settle for just a blizzard.

8. C.J. needs to offer a sacrifice: Fine. You can have my flip flops. Yes, I own a pair, but they were a GIFT. Also, you can have my hubby's ratty gray shorts which he refuses to throw away.

9. C.J. needs to shoot more: I totally agree. Who wants to give me a gun for Christmas?

10. C.J. needs help with algebra: Isn't that the truth. Actually (and I believe my high school math teacher will back me up on this) I'm beyond help. Waaaaay beyond help.

Friday Flashback

Today's Friday Flashback post comes from July 2007. The month I discovered the invention of the Hind Motion Sensor Tanktop. Enjoy.

Wash, Rinse ... No, really. Rinse.

1. We went to a sneak peek of the new Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey on Monday night.

2. It was WOW amazing.

3. Not suitable for younger kids because thankfully the producers stuck to the dark, chilling aspects of the story and there are some freaky cool visuals.

4. I might be going to a sneak peek for New Moon in two weeks.

5. Some of you hate me right now.

6. Others of you are laughing your fool heads off at me.

7. I'm doing it for Myra.

8. Myra and I don't see eye to eye on music, clothing, tv shows, most movies, and how to drive on a freeway, but we love each other so that makes our friendship work.

9. Plus, we're both sort of aliens on this planet.

10. V!

11. Saw it. Loved it.

12. Anna, the V spokesperson, is a spitting image of my agent Holly.

13. Minus the eeeevvvviiiiillll, of course.

14. Although, something tells me Holly could flip a switch if she were so inclined.

15. One last thing:

16. When one is tired, and one decides to take care of basic personal hygiene needs, one should strive to remember to rinse off before one exits one's shower, towels dry, and then wonders what in the world is wrong with one's hair/face/body/towel.

17. This public service announcement has been brought to you by the words "really?" and "insane" and by the number "to the 92384782nd power."

I Beg Your Pardon?

Transcript of a conversation I had with a Sweet Old Lady today at work. For this to make sense, you need to know when I get tired, my voice gets hoarse at odd moments. Sort of like a teenage boy going through the Change but without the squeaks. Today, I was tired:

Me: *sets plate of food in front of SOL* Here's your chicken pot pie. Do you need anything else right now?

Sweet Old Lady: Oh, thank you. Actually, I want to ask you a question.

Me: Sure.

Sweet Old Lady: How many times do you get mistaken for a man?

Me: *blinks for a second in silence* Um ... I don't understand.

Not So Sweet Old Lady: A man, dear. Someone of the masculine persuasion.

Me: I know what a man is.

Crossing A Line Old Lady: So? How many times?

Me: Never. *wants to ask how many times old lady gets mistaken for a jackass but really good insults are wasted on the mostly deaf*

Dancing A Jig On My Last Nerve Old Lady: Never? Oh, I can't believe that.

Me: *speaks through gritted teeth* Really? Why is that? I look like a man to you?

About To Meet Her Maker Old Lady: Of course not, dear. A man has much stronger shoulders.

Me: How comforting.

As Good As Dead Old Lady: But, you have a very masculine name, dear. I'm sure people mistake you for a man all the time.

Me: *tries to understand the logic* So ... you think C.J. is masculine?

Devil's Handmaiden Old Lady: Well, dear. If you want to be feminine, you must not use initials.

Me: So the fact that I don't LOOK like a man or SOUND like a man wouldn't clear up the confusion?

The Witch: Oh, well, dear. I wouldn't say you don't sound like a man.

Me: You caught me. I'm C.J. Monday-Thursday but on the weekends I'm known simply as Fred.

I Can Yell, I Can Paddle, But I Can't Do Math

10 Facts About Me As A Teenager:

1. I used to drive a black and white striped '79 Dodge Caravan to school. Orange interior. Funky transmission--had to drive with one foot on the gas at all times. If I ever got the combination of gas & brake wrong, the van would backfire--something subtle...along the lines of a sonic boom. Twice. It was the sort of vehicle that made semi truck drivers worry I might slam into them and send them flying. My friends and I called it the Land Barge and joked the military would swoop in one day and reclaim it as their secret weapon in a ground war.

It's gone now. I'm guessing Homeland Security has it as a sort of mobile bunker for the President in case things go south.

2. I was a cheerleader. For two years. By accident. No, really. I went to a small private school and was one of the only girls in junior high who didn't spend her lunch hour practicing cheers. When tryouts for the high school squad came around, none of those girls tried out. There weren't enough girls trying out period. One of my friends said she was going out for it and asked me to come with her. I did. Next thing I knew, I was on the squad.

I totally sucked at dancing or coordination of any kind but I could perform every jump better than anyone and (Hang on to your teeth, folks, 'cause this is a shocker.) I excelled at yelling.

Weird, I know.

3. I entered high school one year ahead in math. This was because I was really, really good at every other subject (I know, you hate me.) and it was inconceivable to the teachers that I wouldn't be just as good at math. Took me two years to prove them horribly, spectacularly, irrevocably wrong.

I think my algebra teacher still has the eye twitch he gained from trying to teach me concepts that simply refuse to take root in my brain.

Turns out all that bunk about needing advanced math later on in life only applies to situations where I have to help my kids with their own homework. It's like a vicious math cycle.

4. I once slammed a ping pong paddle into my gym teacher's family jewels. By accident. It didn't endear me to him.

5. I was never popular. I wasn't shunned, but I was never "cool." Or, if I was, I managed to be totally oblivious to it.

Since I highly doubt the cool kids actually had it any better, I don't mind.

6. I never tried drugs or alcohol. Given my later experience with Everclear laced cake (Hello, floor!) and Tylenol Cold (Wow! How many heads do I have?!), I think this was a wise decision on my part.

7. I was a "Pick-a-Little" lady in our school's production of Music Man. I was also prisoner number #6 in our production of "Hiding Place."

8. I played clarinet in our marching band. We took awards all over our district. I once played in the state honor band as well.

9. I missed being salutatorian by 5 tenths of a grade point. The class that cost me that honor was P.E. For reasons why I didn't get an A in P.E., see #4.

10. I once stuffed my bra with socks to make myself look more curvaceous before heading to the grocery store with a friend. (Because if you want to look curvaceous, the grocery store is the place to do it!) I didn't realize until I returned home that the socks had shifted during my drive and therefore my curves looked like gravity and a good strong wind had played tag with my boobs.

Turns out that was just a harbringer of things to come.

Don't Look Now, But She's Blogging Again!

1. The last two weeks were a blur.

2. I packed a new, full-time work schedule, running a two-week online query workshop, dealing with the flu (for everyone but the Scientist), and writing another 5k on Lilli's story into those two weeks.

3. Side note: Lilli's Story is now tentatively titled Casting Stones.

4. One thing I did not successfully fit into that two week framework was blogging.

5. Castigate me, attack me with slander and calumny, and smite me with a wet noodle.

6. Feel better?

7. Today I've been interviewed at MeanKitty! Stop by and say hello.

8. Starshine walked into his karate class the other day, looked at the assembled peeps, and yelled, "Greetings, Conrads!"

9. He also asked a few in-depth questions regarding the day of his birth (not at the karate class. In the car on the way home.) including such gems as "Did it hurt?" "Why?" And "Wouldn't it have been easier to just have me cut out of you?"

10. He then followed up that discussion with the following observation: "Well, it's good you aren't a bat!"

11. Me: "Why?"

12. Starshine: "Because then you'd have to give birth while hanging upside down so gravity really wouldn't be your friend."

13. That's an interesting silver lining.

14. I'm now offering manuscript critiques ($30 for 25 pages or $1.20/page for a whole manuscript) and have two clients so far.

15. The fact that both of these clients also took my query workshop and so know the kind of in-your-face honesty I provide either speaks well of their thick skin (Though I'm not unkind, I must stress.) or their determination to bring their writing up to the next level.

16. Speaking of writing, here are a few things I've researched for Casting Stones:

*Audi R8

*How fast a flock of chickens can run. Oh, yes. It's been clocked.

*The Smoky Mountains

*Leprechauns

*Tattoos

*Borderline Personality Disorder

*Lawn Gnomes

*Remington shotguns

You know you want to see how all of that comes together. ;)

Deep Thoughts -- Or Something Sort Of Like It

Here are a few gems gleaned from conversations recently with my boys:

Scientist: You know, if you go to hell, I bet it isn't the heat that gets you. It's the humidity.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Starshine: Hey cool! A toothpick! Now I'm all set if I get arrested.

Me: Why?

Starshine: Because I can pick the lock on my handcuffs with a toothpick and then use it as a weapon!

Me: I'm sure every cop in this county is disturbed to hear that.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Starshine: I'm really glad you haven't been guillotined yet.

Me: That makes two of us.