Are You TRYING To Get Me Fired?

Last night, apparently, was bring an idiot out to dinner night. I didn't get the memo, but I sure did wait on the idiots. Since my mouth tends to spout off snappy sarcasm in response to obvious instances of moronic thinking, waiting on a string of idiots can get me fired.

Last night, I had three in a row.

1. I walked up to a table, greeted them, offered them tea or Coke to drink and the woman looked at me and said, "Something smells good! Whatcha cooking?" I admit I stared at her for about ten seconds of silence, trying to think of something I could say that wouldn't sound like I was accusing her of being ... well, an idiot. I mean, seriously? We're a restaurant. With one of the largest menus in the business. Whatever she's smelling could be any one of 120 items or a combination of several. I finally patted her menu and said, "Take your pick. We cook them all." She said, "It smells like chicken." I nodded wisely. "Then it probably is chicken." She nodded back. "Probably so."

Oy.

2. My next table was no better. The woman looked at me and said, "I can tip you very well." She winked like we were in on some sort of conspiracy together and leaned closer. "I'll tip you well if you'll do something for me." I politely inquired as to the nature of her request and she said, "I really want the Sunday chicken. If you get that for me, I'll take good care of you." I blinked at her for a second and said in my most reasonable voice, "But ma'am, it's Wednesday." She nodded. "I know. But I want the Sunday chicken special." I nodded right back. "Oh, I'm sure you do. But, you see, it's isn't Sunday. It's Wednesday. All the money in the world can't change that."

3. The very next table, the man ordered a meatloaf dinner. I always bring ketchup to the table when I serve meatloaf because I was raised by a man who drowns everything on his plate in ketchup, especially meatloaf. I placed everything on the table and asked if they needed anything else. The man said, "Yeah. Can I get some tomato sauce to put on top of this meatloaf?" I pointed to the bottle of ketchup. "I brought you some ketchup, sir." He glanced at the bottle (labeled "Kraft TOMATO Ketchup" and said, "But I want something made out of tomatoes."

It took me several seconds of rapidly rejecting every single response that flew into my head before I could calmly say, "Yes, sir. Ketchup is made from tomatoes." And then I walked away as fast as I could because it's generally considered very rude to laugh yourself silly at the customer's expense while he can still hear you doing it.

Starshine--The Experience

Yesterday, Starshine bounced into my room to get the swimsuit he'd left drying over the edge of my bathtub. The ensuing conversation sounded like this:

Me: Hey! Who's taking you to the pool?

Starshine: Um ... guess.

Me: No really, who's taking you to the pool?

Starshine: *rolls eyes* My friend.

Me: You have a lot of friends. Which one is it?

Starshine: My bestest friend.

Me: Okay, that narrows it down to--

Starshine: *who, at this point, is now stark naked* It's only my bestest friend in the whole world whom I've known since the second grade!

Me: Oh. Dane?

Starshine: *pulls swimsuit on and grabs a towel* Yes! I knew you could guess it.

Me: Wouldn't it just be easier to answer my question in the first place rather than go through all that?

Starshine: *looks at me with pity* Mom. It's more of a challenge that way. Talking to me be should be an experience.

Me: It certainly is.

Spazzing Out Is Hard Work

1. In case you were wondering, Spastic Kitten doesn't always spaz.

2. Sometimes she sleeps. (see above)

3. Although the true nature of her mental instability is always apparent to the discerning eye.

4. We spent all day Friday at Nashville Shores, a water amusement park.

5. I learned two valuable lessons.

6. One, when applying sunscreen to yourself, do not get distracted by the antics of your spawn and forget to slather your face.

7. Two, women considering a tattoo on their stomachs should think long and hard about the eventual effects of childbirth and gravity.

8. Mosquitoes, apparently, love me.

9. Every time I hang around outside at dusk, I get eaten alive.

10. My kids and Clint are basically immune.

11. This A) is not fair and B) makes me glad I've never met a vampire as my blood seems to be a hot commodity.

12. The other night I had so many bites on my feet, I couldn't sleep well because of the itch.

13. I tried calamine lotion but it didn't help.

14. Clint told me to cover the bites with scotch tape.

15. I was just desperate enough to follow through on this hair-brained suggestion.

16. It worked--cut the itch down to an ignorable annoyance.

17. The next day, my kids were very interested to know why I had scotch tape all over my feet.

18. Once I explained it to them, the Scientist exclaimed "If scotch tape helped a little, you should try duct tape! I bet that would fix it!"

19. Just like a man--thinks duct tape fixes everything.

Eyes Like Stars Act III

The next installment in the adventures of author Lisa Mantchev (Eyes Like Stars hits your local bookstore next week!) and four very mischievous fairies. If you missed the first two installments, go here and here.

(The fairies are in a tremendous hurry to finish, as Lisa has now eaten her fruit roll-up gag.)

Moth: Shove another peanut butter cup in her piehole!

Peaseblossom: I dunno... she might go into a diabetic coma, and then what happens to us?

Cobweb: Hm. Good point.

Mustardseed: I think the trick is just to be far, far away by the time she undoes the knots in the licorice.

Lisa: Just wait until I get back on the laptop. I'm writing a scene where you all eat broccoli. In the bathtub. While someone reads Goethe to you.

ALL: (chorus of screams) NOT THE BROCCOLI!

Peaseblossom: Maybe we should ask her some real interview-type questions. Like "what's inspired you to write this book?"

Moth: Yawn-tastic. How about "if you were going to exact revenge upon someone, what kind of explosives would you use?"

Mustardseed: Or, "what's your favorite method of extracting boogers and ear-wax?" That's actually a useful question.

Lisa: There's a difference, Mustardseed, between useful and disgusting.

Cobweb: O-ho! Look who's Miss Hoity-Toity! I saw you cleaning up that crusty Princess of yours last night!

Lisa: (unbeknownst to the Fearsome Foursome, has now untied the licorice ropes and is awaiting the right moment to grab all of them and exact revenge) That crusty Princess inspired you guys, so show a little respect. Er. Never mind. Forgot who I was talking to there, for a minute.

Peaseblossom: (peering upside-down at Lisa) Why are you eyeballing the duct tape?


Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion and order Eyes Like Stars now!

Holey Rear View, Batman!

1. The other night I came home from work and Starshine ran to give me hug.

2. After hugging me, he pulled back, frowned at me and said "You smell like pancakes."

3. I work at Cracker Barrel. Pancakes are a way of life.

4. He then patted my arm and said, "Don't worry, Mom. It could be worse."

5. *eye roll*

6. I'm surrounded by boys. I know worse.

7. I was in our local Books A Million Saturday night with Myra, trolling the YA section, alternately looking for new titles to read and stopping complete strangers to recommend Demon's Lexicon and Shiver when I stumbled upon a Wonder Woman comic.

8. Long time blog readers will know that in Paul's honor, I simply couldn't pass it up.

9. I grabbed it, started reading, and found the following line (from WW herself): "I won't stop until I put your head on a pole and post it near our latrines."

10. I think she's on to something.

11. The threat of beheading and pole-posting shame isn't nearly as scary if you don't toss in the word "latrine."

12. The Scientist is now an avid iPhone fan and is looking forward to his birthday (nine months from now) in hopes he'll get one as a present.

13. Riiiiight.

14. He took one look at my face after explaining to me how buying him an iPhone would be the best possible move on my part and said, "Man, I hope you get a big fat book deal. My iPhone hopes are depending on it!"

15. Starshine is now taking karate and is quite good at it. It's the first activity he's done where he's able to totally focus on the task at hand.

16. This past Saturday, he took his first belt test and advanced to a yellow belt.

17. This past Sunday, Clint and I had a small run-in with a stomach virus.

18. These two facts are unrelated.

19. Or they would be if Starshine hadn't raised his hand in karate class Monday afternoon and informed his instructor, his fellow students, and all the parents sitting around me, that his mom and dad were throwing up the day before.

20. I was moderately embarrassed.

21. If only I knew ...

22. From karate class, Starshine and I hit our local Kroger for a gallon of milk, which is, of course, located at the very back of our store.

23. After we got home, I was in the kitchen talking to Clint when I realized I had a hole in the seat of my pants.

24. Not along the seam or some other easily hidden area.

25. Right smack dab in the middle of my pants, visible to anyone who, say, sat behind me in the folding chairs at karate class.

26. Now I have reason to be embarrassed.

They're After Me!

1. I am terrified of moths.

2. Here's proof.

3. I can't explain this phobia--I've been like this as long as I can remember.

4. Two nights ago, I came home from seeing a movie with Myra and sat on my front porch with my hubby and kids as night fell.

5. The kids were catching lightning bugs--thankfully Starshine no longer "catches" them by clapping his hands together.

6. Daredevil threatened to put one of them on my arm and while lightning bugs don't inspire the same level of hysteria that moths do, I still don't want creepy crawlies (or creepy fly-ies) on my body. Ever.

7. He took one look at my face and veered around me to torture Clint instead.

8. So we sat, me with my purse in my lap, Clint with his laptop, and watched our children play while the sun sank below the treeline and lightning bugs lit up the world with their butts.

9. Idyllic, right?

10. I thought so too but I was wrong.

11. W-R-O-N-G.

12. I didn't know how wrong I was until the next day, when I reached into my purse to snatch my car keys and came up with A DEAD MOTH instead.

13. I'm gagging even while I type this.

14. I touched a dead moth.

15. It was in my purse.

16. It must have flown in there while I was sitting on the porch, totally unaware of its presence.

17. I don't like the evidence that my moth-radar failed me.

18. Plus, I touched a dead moth.

19. *shudders*

20. I left the carcass where it lay (no WAY was I touching it again) and by the time I'd alerted Clint to the situation (Yes, I kill bees, spiders, and any number of other nasties without any help but I cannot dispose of one dead moth. You know you love me because I'm slightly psychotic.) the moth body was gone.

21. Probably Tinks or Spastic Kitten needed a snack.

22. I refused to consider the possibility that the moth was only playing possum because that would mean it was STILL IN MY HOUSE and the instant twitch I would develop would render me unfit for human companionship for the next forty-seven days.

23. I left for work and by the time I returned home, I was calmer.

24. In control.

25. No longer totally squicked out by the thought of a dead moth.

26. Okay, I was totally squicked out but, yanno, I touched a dead moth.

27. I changed out of my uniform, grabbed a drink, and settled in front of my computer to check my email.

28. Tinks jumped up on my desk, but rather than pay attention to me, she batted at a toy--a little plastic "lawn" with two lady bugs on it covered by a removable clear plastic bubble top--left on my desk by one of my kids after I'd gone to work.

29. Thinking she would knock the toy off the desk, I reached out, grabbed it, then took a good look at it and the inside was CRAWLING WITH LIGHTNING BUGS.

30. Because my kids are trying to kill me.

31. May they rest in peace.

Writing With Depth

Layers.

When I begin a story, I take time to get to know the characters that populate the story's world. For me, that entails watching conversations between the characters (Yes, these take place inside my head. Yes, if you aren't a writer, you find that incredibly strange.) and asking questions about the characters so I can learn them from the inside out.

It's important to learn them from the inside out. Characters, like ogres, have layers.

Or they should.

Few things turn me away from an author faster than characters who are simple parodies of the basic character archetypes. Or worse, characters who behave in ways clearly meant to help the author stick to her synopsis. These are cookie-cutter characters with zero depth and I'm simply not interested in reading unless I can sink beneath a character's skin and live there for the duration of the story.

How do writers avoid creating cookie-cutter characters? By asking questions. Then asking another. Then another until we wind our way to the heart of our character.

Layers.

For example, I'm getting to know Grace, my heroine from Twisting Fate. I've known for quite some time that she's agoraphobic but I didn't know why. Knowing why is crucial. I can't simply write her as agoraphobic and expect my reader to just accept it. Every behavior is rooted in the soil of past experience, watered with a character's perceptions of her reality, and fed a steady diet of whatever keeps that character from embracing a new behavior. Could be fear. Could be anger. Could be a desire to protect or control. Could be a combination of things but something sparked that behavior, solidified it into habit, and holds it steady within that character's mind.

Layers.

To learn why Grace is agoraphobic, I asked the following questions:

1. What symptoms of agoraphobia does she exhibit?
2. Are there any places where those symptoms don't occur?
3. Moving beyond the symptoms, what is she afraid might happen if she's in a crowd?
4. Why is she afraid of that?

By the time I answered #4, I had it. I understood the terrible, awful something that caused Grace to exhibit symptoms of agoraphobia. I knew what she feared and why. I knew the worst that could happen if she was trapped in a crowd and I knew what lived inside of her that kept her from moving away from this behavior.

Layers.

Now that I know what has Grace so twisted up inside, I can see the events of the story through her eyes, colored by her perceptions, and her actions will be based in what I've learned of her, not on what my synopsis says should happen. She'll have depth. Layers.

I also know that Grace is a courageous woman with super powers. How can courage, super powers, and agoraphobia exist in the same woman?

Layers.

I asked questions to understand the nature of Grace's courage, the choices she's currently making that look like courage/protective nature to her, and I understood what would happen when events in the story put her agoraphobia (and its cause) in direct conflict with her courage.

I did that because no character is ever just one thing. Characters, like ogres, have layers. Motives. Fears. Desires. Convictions. Blind spots. Vices. Wounds. Conflicting thoughts/behavior. The characters who struggle with these things, who let us inside their heads for a front row seat to their own private war, are the ones we love to read. The ones who keep us coming back for more.

What layers can you add to your characters by asking questions? What character trait or behavior does a character exhibit that you've yet to really explore? Better yet, what are you waiting for? Go add some layers. :)